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Several years ago, I took a 7-day silent retreat. The first thing my spiritual director instructed me to do on retreat was to sleep. I was surprised, to say the least. But I decided I should place my doubts aside and do as instructed. So I slept. I took naps and I slept 8 hours at night. I had no idea I was as tired as I was. I had pushed myself and kept my task list going relentlessly. I thought I was being a good person by working hard. Being quiet and sleeping created a whole new kind of energy for me. Later in the week, I began writing down all the insights and encouragement I was gleaning from the experience. I still refer to this list as a sort of compass for my life. Who knew sleep could be so important?

In the U.S. many of us sleep too little. The average is 6.8 hours per day. Sleep researchers suggest that 7-9 hours daily is a healthy range. A lack of sleep has been associated with health problems and cognitive impairment. Our brains use our sleeping hours to do a kind of housekeeping, clearing away neurotoxins and detritus in the system. Our nervous system resets so we are fresh to meet new stressful situations. We organize and store memories and consolidate learning. There’s a lot happening when we rest. Perhaps this is why the wisdom of rest was written into the Bible’s instructions for the early Hebrew people. Rest was an important part of living a godly life.

Depression can cause people to sleep too much or too little. Creating a healthy cycle of rest and work is part of a good plan to improve mood stability. For 2019, consider tracking your sleep as a part of your resolutions for healthy living. Give your brain a chance to reset and prepare for the important engagements of your life. When circumstances prevent you from good rest, remember to be gentle with yourself. Taking 10 deep breaths can help. A 20-minute nap can replenish you. Allow yourself to strategize for more rest soon.

Neuroscience has been helping us understand more fully how our brains work in fascinating and sometimes troubling ways. We process the information that coming to us from our environments in patterned ways and this means that we pay attention to the things that confirm our already existing thoughts and feelings and tend to ignore things that differ from our current perceptions. So this Christmas, if you expect to be hurried, frazzled and under-appreciated, you’re likely to find that’s true. If you expect your family and friends to overlook you, you’re likely to find evidence that they do. This pattern happens even with our expectations of God. If you expect God to neglect you, you set yourself up for that sadness, too.

What might help us discover more about reality rather than following our perceptions around throughout the season? Try telling yourself a new story this year. See if you can focus your attention each day on something new that is happening. Maybe the new thing could be as simple as your practice of pausing for a few moments each day to notice something new/different. This is a risky practice. It involves inviting your brain to refocus on what it doesn’t know yet. Just like Mary had to refocus her attention on having a Child when she “knew” that was not possible according to everything she knew before. Try pondering (thinking slowly and intentionally) about this story of birth in the midst of risky and new circumstances. Ponder this every day for a few minutes for a week and see if your perceptions and expectations change, even just a bit. Take the risk.

Madeleine L’Engle left us a poem to help with this pondering practice. The Risk of Birth by Madeleine L’Engle (1973):

This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a comet slashing the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn-
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by a comet the sky is torn-
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.

One reason many of us struggle to forgive, particularly in Christian circles, is that we avoid conflicts rather than facing them. In the process of forgiving we have to admit that a conflict exists. The psychological literature is clear that the first step in forgiving is this admission that a conflict has occurred and that there’s real hurt involved. We need to speak honestly about conflicts and acknowledge our reactions: anger, bitterness, hurt, along with a desire to get over these troubling feelings. This can be a slow and repetitious path. To say the obvious: forgiveness takes time. If rushed, the reoccurrence of negative emotion is guaranteed.

The next step in forgiving is an intentional effort to empathize with the offender. This is hard. When we are deeply hurt we easily think our offender is defined by this awful behavior towards us. Bryan Stevenson* points out a deeper truth: none of us is as bad as our worst actions. The truth is that we are all complex creatures who defy labels. This heroic step of adding empathy to our internal dialogue about the offender is an attempt to see from the other person’s perspective, but even more it is an attempt to summon concern for the offender as a child of God. We are not at this step, trying to convince ourselves or anyone else that the offender is right or justified. We are including in our narrative of the conflict that s/he is loved and valued by God. Again the path is steep and the going slow, but progress is possible and significant for our well being and that of others around us.

*Bryan Stevenson (2015). Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption. New York: Random House.

In the secular psychological literature on forgiving there is a distinction drawn between forgiving and reconciliation. Researchers point out that we can let go of angry and vengeful feelings and actions, but not be ready to trust the offender enough to relate openly with him/her again. It may actually not be safe or possible to do so. Perpetrators may not be worthy of trust ever again. This makes the process of forgiving complex and arduous. I do not want to convey an overly simplistic approach. So we who forgive, must repeat our pardon as long as necessary. No limits. But we do not have to behave as if the violation never happened. Forgiving can be done alone. Reconciliation is about both the victim and the perpetrator.

From a Christian perspective, the work of forgiveness begins with a personal encounter with our forgiving God, as I mentioned in an earlier post. We can only hope to forgive when we have intimately known that we are forgiven for our errors. For many people, this step is rushed or avoided. That will steal any power to forgive we might have. We need help from beyond ourselves to be true forgivers.

Our nature is to assess cause or blame. Our first questions are often: what happened? Who did this? How could she? Jesus seems completely disinterested in this pursuit, but remains intent upon restoring relationships (asking God to forgive, excuse and restore relationship with those who kill him as they drive in the nails). This can make the distinction between forgiving and reconciliation more blurry than the psychological literature suggests. For Christians, forgiving is Jesus’ instruction to us. It’s part of living the abundant, good life. So how do we know if we’ve forgiven someone when the bitter feelings return when we see them across the room or on the street?

I want to suggest that we first put aside trying to evaluate our ability to forgive and reconcile and instead allow ourselves to focus on the present moment through prayer and being mindful of the Spirit with us and within us. When anger or hurt rise up, it means we are invited again to name our pain with the Spirit right there to comfort us. Forgiving and discerning when we can or cannot reconcile requires attending intentionally to the hurt we are suffering rather than ignoring or repressing it. Naming the pain with Jesus is always our option, even our calling. We can’t forgive if we can’t allow ourselves to recall the hurt.*

*See Everett L. Worthington, (2003), Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope, Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity for a more complete discussion.

In the psychological literature on forgiveness, a few terms have been defined that are helpful as we explore this rich topic. Researchers offer us these definitions:
-“Decisional Forgiveness” is when you decide to forgive a person. It’s a mental process and happens in a discrete moment in time.
-“Emotional Forgiveness” happens when there is a release of emotions of bitterness and anger.
-“State Forgiveness” is the term researchers use to account for the emotional fluctuations people experience in the process of forgiving. One day you might feel free from any bitterness towards someone who has hurt you, but the next day the bitterness may return. This fluctuation can continue for years. Scientists who try to measure forgiveness look for the current level of forgiveness or the “state” of forgiveness.
-“Trait Forgiveness” defines the general disposition towards being forgiving. Some people find it easier to forgive than others do so researchers identify this personality trait. *

Anyone who has attempted to forgive someone of a significant hurt knows that forgiving isn’t a one-and-done proposition. Deciding to forgive is crucial, but it must be repeated on the road to emotional forgiveness where the personal health benefits reside. Science notes this is an important, repetitive pursuit, as Jesus noted long ago in his famous advice to forgive an offender 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:22).

I often listen to people who are struggling with this process. They tend to feel stuck because of the repetitive nature of the experience, thinking they are failing because they have to repeat this decision over and over, as their feelings fluctuate from day to day or even hour to hour. In these conversations, my goal is often simply to help the person notice the internal assumption/demand that motivates their self-condemnation. The assumption is that to truly forgive means that all feelings of bitterness or anger disappear and never return. That assumption and the demand to do so simply aren’t true and they don’t lead us toward emotional forgiveness. These internal assumptions/demands actually can prevent our development of trait forgiveness. We would do better to stay close to Jesus’ recommendation: give yourself a rule to forgive those who have hurt you 70 times before you consider yourself a “forgiveness failure.”

More next time on the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation.

*See Mark McMinn’s, 2017 book, “The Science of Virtue”, for a further discussion in his wonderful chapter on forgiveness.

In the positive psychology movement of the last two decades, forgiveness has been studied extensively with thousands of articles published on the topic, with a particular emphasis on the power of forgiveness to add benefit to the forgiver. Lowered blood pressure, better sleep, feeling happier, reduced lower back pain, even jumping higher! Yep, there’s a study about even that.

So we should forgive those who hurt us for our own good. And yet many of us struggle with apply this. We slip into thoughts about the other person’s bad actions and we easily name their injustice with a simplistic label, “She only considered herself!” This accusation of self-centeredness by the offender is ubiquitous. And yet, as we consider forgiving, the recommendation from the psychological literature points us in the very same direction! Forgive her because it will benefit you. This self-beneficial motive is compelling and even true, but a deeper understanding of human nature may be needed to help us commit to the difficult mental and emotional task of forgiving.

The words of Jesus are indisputable when it comes to forgiveness: forgive as we have been forgiven (Matthew 6:12 is only one example). We know that deciding to forgive doesn’t immediately relieve us of the complex feelings that are associated with being hurt, but there is another important consideration for those of us who desire to integrate Christian spirituality with our psychological health and practice. ‘Forgive as you have been forgiven.’ We need to know we are forgiven by God first in order to forgive well. This is a very different starting point. I’ll say more about this in future posts. This is a complex challenge to consider without falling into blaming ourselves falsely or blaming others simplistically. For now I leave you with this little thought: when someone hurts you, remember your experience of God’s unconditional love reaching to you when you ignored, doubted and even avoided that love. If that’s unclear for you, allow yourself to wonder about that primary experience for followers of Jesus.

I’ve been involved in several conversations of late where the person I’m talking with comments on how much they want to be heard to the very end of what they have to say. They describe many memories of having to be quiet in their original families and even to hide what they think is unacceptable about them. To their surprise and sorrow, they discover in many of their adult relationships, particularly intimate ones, they still feel this strong pressure to quiet down and they note a deep longing that prods at them to find someone/anyone who will listen to them all the way to the end of what they have to say.

It’s easy to forget that listening in and of itself is a gift, even a vital service we can offer to others. Rather than thinking up a great bit of advice or responding with a similar story from our own lives, we might first offer space for others to speak all the way to the end. There’s a pressure in our culture to fill up empty spaces and to accomplish many things rapidly. We seek to be charming (meaning appealing to others) or entertaining (meaning others want to be around us for the fun of it). While these aren’t terrible pursuits, they are not efforts to listen well. Even professional clinicians admit sometimes that we feel a need to fill up our times with clients with good advice or insight that amazes our clients. All these miss the longing that so many people have to be heard, noticed, listened to all the way to the end of what they have to say.

There’s a story in the New Testament about an important man who comes to Jesus to ask him to attend to his daughter who is ill (Mark 5:32-34 J.B. Phillips). On the way to see the girl, Jesus stops to listen a woman who fearfully touches his cloak to be healed. In the Phillips translation of these verses, Jesus waits to hear the woman tell her “whole story.” Such listening is an integral part of healing.

Recent research identifies “listening programs” that have been developed to improve brain function and positively impact functionality and mood for people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), Down syndrome, learning disabilities, auditory processing disorders (APD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorders, Rhett syndrome, dyspraxia, cerebral palsy, fibromyalgia, arthritis and stroke. In more ways than we’ve ever known before listening can be good for us, especially listening differently than our habits may dictate.

Listening differently means, I’d argue, offering full attention with our whole bodies. Turning toward the speaker, making eye contact, tracking the speaker’s themes as s/he tells a story, naming the emotions that the speaker may be experiencing and noting changes in the speaker’s tone or physical posture, all these are a part of listening. In psychotherapy training programs, active listening is a skill that is taught and evaluated. This communication of accurate empathy in response to a speaker is a crucial skill in the art of listening. It invites the speaker to explore more of his/her understanding of the world and of him/her self. In a world in which rhetoric has become vicious and divisions exacerbated, the need for good listening grows large. Take time to tune in carefully to those around you. Hear them out. Make sure you’ve listened first. This requires a bit of emotional restraint for the listener. The pull toward persuading others to think as we do is strong in a societal environment like the one we have today, but the benefits of listening are many.

There’s a famous story in the New Testament about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit them at their home. Martha is busy doing good, trying to feed guests and offer proper hospitality. But it is Mary who Jesus commends for doing the best thing. “…Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught” (Luke 10:39). She focused in and listened deeply. Keep trying to listen deeply to those around you. It’s good for the soul.

In an interview conducted by the Harvard Business Review, Professor Daniel Gilbert discloses his findings on the science of happiness:

“If I had to summarize all the scientific literature on the causes of human happiness in one word, that word would be “social.” We are by far the most social species on Earth. Even ants have nothing on us. If I wanted to predict your happiness, and I could know only one thing about you, I wouldn’t want to know your gender, religion, health, or income. I’d want to know about your social network—about your friends and family and the strength of your bonds with them.”

For some of us this is a scary statement. We haven’t had an easy time relating to our families and we may find it challenging to relate to friends without some of the old hurts revisiting us. But facing the truth of our social being is an important part of deepening our reserves of joy. We need others and others need us.

What’s one thing you can do this week to connect in a more significant way with your friends and family and strengthen your bonds with them? I’d suggest first and foremost that you take time to listen to them carefully. Give them your full attention. Check out what you think is important to them and see if they affirm it. See if what you think you’re hearing from them is accurate. Demonstrate that you are invested in hearing them out. There’s a lot to the art of listening. We’ll explore it more in coming weeks, but for now consider how you listen. See if you can quiet your mind enough to offer your full attention to your friend or relative. Go slow. Hear them out to the end of what they want to say. Listen well and you’ll find yourself gaining new perspectives, new ideas about what’s going on for the other person, and perhaps new hope about your connection to them. Listen well first. It’s better than trying to entertain them or win their admiration. It’s kinder than teaching them a lesson. Resist thinking about what you’ll say next and stay in the moment with your friend. Listen long and hard. The benefits will become clear.