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In the psychological literature on forgiveness, a few terms have been defined that are helpful as we explore this rich topic. Researchers offer us these definitions:
-“Decisional Forgiveness” is when you decide to forgive a person. It’s a mental process and happens in a discrete moment in time.
-“Emotional Forgiveness” happens when there is a release of emotions of bitterness and anger.
-“State Forgiveness” is the term researchers use to account for the emotional fluctuations people experience in the process of forgiving. One day you might feel free from any bitterness towards someone who has hurt you, but the next day the bitterness may return. This fluctuation can continue for years. Scientists who try to measure forgiveness look for the current level of forgiveness or the “state” of forgiveness.
-“Trait Forgiveness” defines the general disposition towards being forgiving. Some people find it easier to forgive than others do so researchers identify this personality trait. *

Anyone who has attempted to forgive someone of a significant hurt knows that forgiving isn’t a one-and-done proposition. Deciding to forgive is crucial, but it must be repeated on the road to emotional forgiveness where the personal health benefits reside. Science notes this is an important, repetitive pursuit, as Jesus noted long ago in his famous advice to forgive an offender 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:22).

I often listen to people who are struggling with this process. They tend to feel stuck because of the repetitive nature of the experience, thinking they are failing because they have to repeat this decision over and over, as their feelings fluctuate from day to day or even hour to hour. In these conversations, my goal is often simply to help the person notice the internal assumption/demand that motivates their self-condemnation. The assumption is that to truly forgive means that all feelings of bitterness or anger disappear and never return. That assumption and the demand to do so simply aren’t true and they don’t lead us toward emotional forgiveness. These internal assumptions/demands actually can prevent our development of trait forgiveness. We would do better to stay close to Jesus’ recommendation: give yourself a rule to forgive those who have hurt you 70 times before you consider yourself a “forgiveness failure.”

More next time on the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation.

*See Mark McMinn’s, 2017 book, “The Science of Virtue”, for a further discussion in his wonderful chapter on forgiveness.

In the positive psychology movement of the last two decades, forgiveness has been studied extensively with thousands of articles published on the topic, with a particular emphasis on the power of forgiveness to add benefit to the forgiver. Lowered blood pressure, better sleep, feeling happier, reduced lower back pain, even jumping higher! Yep, there’s a study about even that.

So we should forgive those who hurt us for our own good. And yet many of us struggle with apply this. We slip into thoughts about the other person’s bad actions and we easily name their injustice with a simplistic label, “She only considered herself!” This accusation of self-centeredness by the offender is ubiquitous. And yet, as we consider forgiving, the recommendation from the psychological literature points us in the very same direction! Forgive her because it will benefit you. This self-beneficial motive is compelling and even true, but a deeper understanding of human nature may be needed to help us commit to the difficult mental and emotional task of forgiving.

The words of Jesus are indisputable when it comes to forgiveness: forgive as we have been forgiven (Matthew 6:12 is only one example). We know that deciding to forgive doesn’t immediately relieve us of the complex feelings that are associated with being hurt, but there is another important consideration for those of us who desire to integrate Christian spirituality with our psychological health and practice. ‘Forgive as you have been forgiven.’ We need to know we are forgiven by God first in order to forgive well. This is a very different starting point. I’ll say more about this in future posts. This is a complex challenge to consider without falling into blaming ourselves falsely or blaming others simplistically. For now I leave you with this little thought: when someone hurts you, remember your experience of God’s unconditional love reaching to you when you ignored, doubted and even avoided that love. If that’s unclear for you, allow yourself to wonder about that primary experience for followers of Jesus.

I’ve been involved in several conversations of late where the person I’m talking with comments on how much they want to be heard to the very end of what they have to say. They describe many memories of having to be quiet in their original families and even to hide what they think is unacceptable about them. To their surprise and sorrow, they discover in many of their adult relationships, particularly intimate ones, they still feel this strong pressure to quiet down and they note a deep longing that prods at them to find someone/anyone who will listen to them all the way to the end of what they have to say.

It’s easy to forget that listening in and of itself is a gift, even a vital service we can offer to others. Rather than thinking up a great bit of advice or responding with a similar story from our own lives, we might first offer space for others to speak all the way to the end. There’s a pressure in our culture to fill up empty spaces and to accomplish many things rapidly. We seek to be charming (meaning appealing to others) or entertaining (meaning others want to be around us for the fun of it). While these aren’t terrible pursuits, they are not efforts to listen well. Even professional clinicians admit sometimes that we feel a need to fill up our times with clients with good advice or insight that amazes our clients. All these miss the longing that so many people have to be heard, noticed, listened to all the way to the end of what they have to say.

There’s a story in the New Testament about an important man who comes to Jesus to ask him to attend to his daughter who is ill (Mark 5:32-34 J.B. Phillips). On the way to see the girl, Jesus stops to listen a woman who fearfully touches his cloak to be healed. In the Phillips translation of these verses, Jesus waits to hear the woman tell her “whole story.” Such listening is an integral part of healing.

Recent research identifies “listening programs” that have been developed to improve brain function and positively impact functionality and mood for people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), Down syndrome, learning disabilities, auditory processing disorders (APD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorders, Rhett syndrome, dyspraxia, cerebral palsy, fibromyalgia, arthritis and stroke. In more ways than we’ve ever known before listening can be good for us, especially listening differently than our habits may dictate.

Listening differently means, I’d argue, offering full attention with our whole bodies. Turning toward the speaker, making eye contact, tracking the speaker’s themes as s/he tells a story, naming the emotions that the speaker may be experiencing and noting changes in the speaker’s tone or physical posture, all these are a part of listening. In psychotherapy training programs, active listening is a skill that is taught and evaluated. This communication of accurate empathy in response to a speaker is a crucial skill in the art of listening. It invites the speaker to explore more of his/her understanding of the world and of him/her self. In a world in which rhetoric has become vicious and divisions exacerbated, the need for good listening grows large. Take time to tune in carefully to those around you. Hear them out. Make sure you’ve listened first. This requires a bit of emotional restraint for the listener. The pull toward persuading others to think as we do is strong in a societal environment like the one we have today, but the benefits of listening are many.

There’s a famous story in the New Testament about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit them at their home. Martha is busy doing good, trying to feed guests and offer proper hospitality. But it is Mary who Jesus commends for doing the best thing. “…Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught” (Luke 10:39). She focused in and listened deeply. Keep trying to listen deeply to those around you. It’s good for the soul.

In an interview conducted by the Harvard Business Review, Professor Daniel Gilbert discloses his findings on the science of happiness:

“If I had to summarize all the scientific literature on the causes of human happiness in one word, that word would be “social.” We are by far the most social species on Earth. Even ants have nothing on us. If I wanted to predict your happiness, and I could know only one thing about you, I wouldn’t want to know your gender, religion, health, or income. I’d want to know about your social network—about your friends and family and the strength of your bonds with them.”

For some of us this is a scary statement. We haven’t had an easy time relating to our families and we may find it challenging to relate to friends without some of the old hurts revisiting us. But facing the truth of our social being is an important part of deepening our reserves of joy. We need others and others need us.

What’s one thing you can do this week to connect in a more significant way with your friends and family and strengthen your bonds with them? I’d suggest first and foremost that you take time to listen to them carefully. Give them your full attention. Check out what you think is important to them and see if they affirm it. See if what you think you’re hearing from them is accurate. Demonstrate that you are invested in hearing them out. There’s a lot to the art of listening. We’ll explore it more in coming weeks, but for now consider how you listen. See if you can quiet your mind enough to offer your full attention to your friend or relative. Go slow. Hear them out to the end of what they want to say. Listen well and you’ll find yourself gaining new perspectives, new ideas about what’s going on for the other person, and perhaps new hope about your connection to them. Listen well first. It’s better than trying to entertain them or win their admiration. It’s kinder than teaching them a lesson. Resist thinking about what you’ll say next and stay in the moment with your friend. Listen long and hard. The benefits will become clear.

For therapists trying to help clients through difficult emotional struggles, the therapist inevitably has to talk with clients about seeing some potential in the difficult circumstances they find themselves in.

Together, client and therapist attempt to find meaning in the client’s life. These conversations are about the big picture items: what gives my life meaning and purpose? How do I focus my energy on those things that matter most? For many of us asking these questions stirs up longings for deeper connections with others than what we are currently experiencing and can leave us feeling more dissatisfied.

We avoid these deeper reflections because we do not want to feel those longings and disappointments. But in avoiding these questions we increase our risk of depression and anxiety. Our distractions may keep us skimming along the surface of our lives for a long time, but sooner or later the need to consider them emerges. Trying not to feel is what leads us into unhealthy habits far more than facing difficult emotions.

For Christian practitioners and Christian clients, there’s a treasure-trove of encouragement to discover hidden potential in our struggles. 21st century Christians often forget the call to follow Jesus is a call to follow the Suffering Servant of God. The potential for growth through suffering is declared all through the New Testament (see Romans 5 for one example). The basic pattern of life for Christians is rooted in Christ’s dying and rising to new life. Suffering leading to joy.

In the midst of any low point, whether it comes to us from outside through injustice or broken relationships or from within us through feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, fear, and loss, this potential of finding growth in the midst of the struggle remains. Hard times do not make our lives meaningless. To the contrary many people tell us of the deep realizations and added meaning they discovered because of their suffering. Often simply looking for meaning is just enough hope to turn a struggling pilgrim to the light.

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us. No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection. No pastoral visit brings wholeness. No program accomplishes the Church’s mission. No set of goals and objectives includes everything. This is what we are about.

We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities. We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.”
Ken Untener

For many of us today, these words of Father Ken Untener gather a frustration we feel and turn it inside out. It’s refreshing. We often need to be reminded that what we do not finish is not failure and that many times our tasks are beyond our own powers to complete. This is particularly true for the psychotherapist who seeks to help devout Christians grow beyond childhood trauma, patterns of neglect, or addictive behaviors. It’s true for parents of struggling children, too or teachers with challenging students.

We simply do not see the whole picture, so when we experience a setback, we would do well to take the step back recommended to us here. The pause may give our brains the needed time to release heightened levels of adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine, the three major stress hormones that can flood our brains when crises approach. When we allow ourselves to ruminate on a problem, our bodies continue to produce cortisol and that can cause significant health risks. So let’s all take the long view this week. Make space for a rested brain.

In the field of psychology and in lots of media outlets, the term self-care is on center stage. The consensus is that for many people, taking care of themselves is somehow forbidden or forgotten. Additionally we see plenty of people racing to put themselves first and many philosophies tailored to promote that behavior (i.e. Ayn Rand). So which is it? How can we find a healthy way to live and to love?

For many people who come to my psychotherapy office struggling to make sense of their faith in Christ and their depression or dis-ease with the world, a debate lurks in the back of their minds in almost every decision they make. This debate is about taking care of others OR themselves. It’s become a binary choice for them. If I take care of myself, I neglect others and vice versa. The words of Jesus were clear: deny yourself and take up your cross (Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34-35, Luke 9:23-24, John 12:25). But the way they understand these words puts them at odds with much of the love, rescue, hope, and abundance that Jesus also promises. Particularly for women who have been taught that their place is to submit to others and serve or help others in every way possible, this misunderstanding of Jesus’ call to self-denial is damaging. It is not so much a denial of self that they practice, but an abnegation of self in which they ignore any needs of their own and certainly all desires that may stir within them. They develop an unconscious reaction to decisions that involves basing their choices not on the promptings of the Spirit within them or on their own needs, but on their impressions of what others want or demand of them.

Jesus’ call to take up your cross and follow is a call to engagement in the full life of the Spirit which includes a radical change to our way of doing everything, even our most basic and unconscious decision-making processes. Rather than making unconscious deals with the demands of others as they swim around in our minds based mostly on past often painful experiences, the freedom of following Christ lies in giving up this unconscious way and finding instead the abundance of following step by step in an intentional and conscious practice of listening for guidance from within us where Jesus abides. This requires continually self-reflection. Christian theology is deeply psychological. The fundamental notion of Christ’s teaching that He comes to reside with us and in us by the Spirit means we no longer choose based on our desires OR others desires.

Breaking free from despair often involves identifying how tied up we have become unconsciously and how we then contribute to our own despair. Jesus’ call to giving up the self is rooted in the basic need to give up these defensive patterns that mascaraed as service, but do not reflect a true call from God. Discerning when we are called to self sacrifice is essential practice for devoted Christians. Certainly there are times when we will choose activities based primarily on the good of others, but these must be conscious choices made from a core sense of ourselves as valued and beloved children of a loving God.

Since the 1980s a form of psychotherapy know as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) has been used and promoted broadly, especially in and around Philadelphia where Aaron and Judith Beck have stimulated the growth of this therapy model. Central to the theory of CBT is that even healthy humans have negative “core beliefs” at work within their minds all the time. These beliefs usually go unnoticed, but they influence our feelings, thoughts and behaviors in significant ways. A CBT therapist would consider it their job to identify and dispel these negative core beliefs in psychotherapy.

For Christians who value their belief in Christ, the process of considering negative core beliefs about the self and others can be a daunting task. They have been told repeated by important people in their lives that God is love. But they may unwittingly struggle with negative core beliefs (i.e.‘I’m not good enough’).They may unconsciously and rigidly interpret other elements of the Gospel message to affirm this unconscious negative core belief. They have heard sermons about the depravity of humankind and our need for rescue from the anger of God which affirms a negative core belief like ‘I’m not good enough.’

While it is true that humans are rescued by Christ’s death and resurrection, it is not the intent of God that a core belief like this stay rooted in the unconscious of any believer. In the unconscious such thoughts remain powerful and unexamined, so intentional faith may not impact them. The challenge is in the paradox of faith itself. While we are loved and carry the Imago Dei, we are also broken and sinful. We do not see clearly (I Corinthians 13). In psychotherapy the work of the Holy Spirit is often to uproot our negative core beliefs that contradict the love of God.

But as soon as the freedom and abundant life Jesus promises breaks through and we see how we have been held in the grip of a misguided notion like ‘I’m not good enough’ we are also tempted to assess ourselves. ‘I am good enough’ we might be coached to repeat by a CBT therapist and we might do just that. But soon we may fall into despair again as our inability to relate to others as we wish we could surfaces and again we hear the whisper of this unconscious belief in our minds. The promises of love seem lost. We may get stuck in cycles of self and other-blame. We select scriptures to prove our unworthiness. “Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect…” (Matthew 5:48) is often repeated to me by struggling clients in my therapy office.

Good therapy works to help clients identify their cycles of accommodation with the negative belief and we can contradict these consciously, but believers find new joy when the Holy Spirit sweeps into the depths of their minds and hearts and these tenacious beliefs are altered.